Honesty is the best policy? I doubt it. I am the kind of person who speaks the truth irregardless of what consequences I may face. Sometimes it seems too harsh and it hurts a lot of people. But the truth is I feel even worse than those listeners, I do cry sometimes but not in front of others, maybe during the night or when I am in bed.

Nevertheless, I am not this kind of person initially. I am a timid girl when I was in primary school. I didn’t even dare to tell my parents or teacher when a boy stole my specs. I listened to him all the while because I thought he is smart. Then, after a few years, things change. My family members who were usually lenient to me began telling me in harsh reality as they think that I am too weak in personality. I cried of course, in the beginning. However, they just ignored it. My Da Jie told me that crying cannot solve a problem; it’s an act of a weak person. I heeded her advice though crying while she was lecturing me. In the end, she had to buy me a gift as compensation.

However, my Er Jie wasn’t so lenient. There was a time, one of my relative “bullied” me resulting me committing the act of weakness again, and she just ignored me. In her opinion, if she gives me more attention, the more ‘manja’ I might become. Her boyfriend is even harsher. He once lectured me about my attitude problem all the way from Kluang to KL. Of Course, as you might have guessed it, I was crying.

I am saying these not because I blame them. Instead, I am grateful to them. If not for them, there will be no Kua Pei San at all. They moulded my strong personality so that I won’t get hurt easily by others’ comments. If not for their guidance, I will still be a snobbish and self-centered person. I really love them dearly as they take care of not only my basic physical necessities but also my spiritual requirements. Now, I can say aloud that I can solve my own problems (maybe sometimes still need everybody’s help. Sorry…) and even help others in some matters. Many do say that I look tough and reliable enough to be trusted (?).

Nonetheless, my frankness seems to hurt a lot of my friends. Some cried and some just don’t want to be my friends while the rest will think that I am bullying them. The truth is they did something which I think is wrong or unreasonable or maybe things which had hurt me. My self-defense system was tuned up automatically; I shot my view on their face directly. It’s done within seconds and without thinking. Consequently, things turned sour (for further information, please refer to the post titled “朋 友”) . Ai…

It takes great pains for me to write about this as I had never told this to anyone before even to my closest friend and sisters. It’s just too personal.

To all my friends, I would like to apologize for my bluntness (or is it sharpness?) in my words. But this time, I would like to add on that, please accept me for who I am. If you regard me as your friend, then regard my ‘frankness’ as a norm. Thank you!

(PS: Please do not take it too seriously, for I am just expressing my thoughts.)